I suppose in everyone’s life they have come across a person who has crossed a boundary either physically or verbally.
Growing up I knew nothing about boundaries nor do I remember any discussion about them. Perhaps if someone made you feel discomfort you would just mention it to them. But in today’s world of political correctness there’s a way in which it is recommended to approach such a problem.
My kids tell me I overstep at times, but I really don’t know if it’s me crossing a boundary or they just don’t want to hear what I have to say. In order to avoid arguments or them punishing me by not texting or visiting, I have just resorted to listening to them when they do decide to tell me something ( biting my cheek bloody) and only offering my opinion when asked.
Growing up, if I was having a discussion with my parents they never were short on voicing their opinion or giving me advice that was unsolicited. If I did get annoyed with what they had to say I would just keep my opinions to myself and get on with my day. I think I thought that I was showing them respect. To this day I handle the situation with them the same way, because any other way would be viewed by THEM as disrespectful.
Moving along in my life, I know I must have had situations where I felt I should have exercised setting of boundaries, but I didn’t because it never seemed that big of a deal to me. Or, maybe I just have more tolerance of situations like this.
Right or wrong, this is how I’ve always operated until recently.
Moving into a 55+ community has proven to be quite an experience for my husband and myself. My reason for wanting to live in such a community was because I wanted to find like-minded people. The vision I had was traveling, going to nearby restaurants, and engaging in fun activities with my new set of friends.
That does happen, but after four years of living here, you have to sort through the process and end up with a much smaller group of friends than I originally was thinking. Turns out, these communities are a microcosm of society and some of the people living here you would be better off not knowing.
In my first year I was open to meeting anyone. Even if my gut ( which is usually right) was telling me I should probably not proceed into a friendship, I did anyway. I was determined not to judge people by how they appeared on the outside or by just being in their company one time. I befriended a lady that moved from out of state and we seemed to really hit it off, even though she had some things about her that made me feel uncomfortable.
She began to really irritate me so much that I had to stop it immediately. I had allowed it to go too far.
I’ve never experienced anything like it before and didn’t really know how to deal with the situation. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, and I didn’t want to get into an argument. Ultimately these types of people don’t realize how they are showing themselves to others.
I had to come up with a way of making a break with this relationship. The way I handled it was, I blamed myself. I needed some space in order to stand back and reevaluate myself. Nothing personal, it was just something I needed to do. That explanation was understood and we took a few months off. Now keep in mind, I wasn’t mad at this person, I just became saturated and overwhelmed. I never had an experience like this before and wasn’t sure I was on the right track, but whatever the outcome, I moved on with my instincts and had to live with the outcome.
After about four months I got a phone call and she’s telling me it’s been long enough, she’s tried to go through her mind trying to think of what she did to have our friendship wane and she apparently was the only friend in the friendship. Then went on to tell me about what’s been happening in her life and finally how was I and my family. This conversation lasted an hour and at the end she asked where we stood now. My answer was, nothing has changed.
This type of person would never have admitted to her behavior or changed ultimately in any way if the door to having a friendship opened for her. And I just didn’t have the energy to give her what she apparently needed, which was a substitute family having constant exposure to her all the time.
The right way to make a boundary in this case would have been to be completely upfront and tell her how I was feeling. If she agreed to change her behavior we may have been able to move forward with the relationship. However, sometimes people forget their boundaries and the whole thing starts all over again. In this case, if I opened the door just a crack, I’m convinced I would have to pull in the reigns and cut off the relationship anyway.
For months I felt guilt, but it wasn’t a healthy relationship. And I had to deal with living in the same community, and feeling a little uncomfortable with even walking by her house.
I decided to pull up my big girl pants and not go into avoidance mode. If I saw her outside I would wave.If I was in her company I would have polite conversation.
It’s important to also remember, if ever find yourself in this situation, whatever confidences this person shared with you, stay with you. Just because you’re not friends anymore doesn’t mean their story is up for discussion in other circles, even if they don’t abide by the same rules.
There are a million stories out there with people crossing boundaries in the work force, friendships,
family, or acquaintances.
The healthy way to handle it is face it upfront in a clear calm way, and state how your discomfort was felt and how the other person needs to change their behavior towards you in order to maintain a relationship. If they agree and make the change, you’re golden. If not, it’s time to go your separate ways in a respectful manner.
Life doesn’t always turn out as planned, however, it’s up to us to make the best of it and cultivate the healthiest relationships we can in order to live our lives at level we can be proud of.